Monthly Archives: August 2010

strong enough

this monotonous life:
i thought I would be the one
traveling the world.

one city a year,
in and out of love, never
living in the past.

these past twenty years
all spent in one place. I had
dreams of city lofts,

houses by the beach.
weddings, children, holding hands
skipping far away.

hopeful, open to
repotting my roots. And yet
they’re tangled right here.

i’m still young enough
to change my mind, pick up, leave…
if only i could

will myself to go
move onto the next chapter
before its too late,

what have I to show?
gone in the blink of an eye,
time waits for no one.

lingering self-doubt
swims in shallow pools of woe.
my heart is racing–

how have i stayed here?
it starts: the panic attack,
thoughts hazy, unclear.

why didn’t i take flight?
am i self-sabotaging
who i’m meant to be?

this dark blue mood
troubled tributary
hope it passes soon.


this is transference
interchangeable. Me, you
and them vice versa.

is it a teaching
exercise for my heart?
a practice run for loss.

when did it happen:
that this fear of letting go
possessed my heart. this

strength is a blessing,
yet a curse: harboring the
released emotions

when they should be free.

hide and seek

do you fool yourself, like i fool myself
believing everything but the truth

do you see yourself, like i see myself
a fragment of who i used to be

as i lay here this night, there’s no doubt in my mind
that most of everything is hidden in memory.

if i had known the signs

sick to my stomach,
its all there in black’n white
all those early signs.

The Natural Cat
lists them all. I should have known.
but how could I know?

that weight loss mixed with
lethargy, vomiting and
digestive upsets.

Foamy yellow bile
and lightly colored stool. That
the random pee sprays

were anything but.
mood swings: good to bad. the trots
and all of that stuff

are symptoms, symptoms
symptoms of liver disease,
pause before next steps.