Category Archives: family

in remembrance

most days are filled with something
but today I am struggling.
you never know what will affect you, how it will affect you until it affects you.

experience a loss of life,
a very long well-lived life;
and then remember that life on the first day of spring.

thoughts are like dandelions
seeding one memory and then another
stirring a pot that has finally settled

people grieve in so many different ways
judgment solitude quiet reflection sadness regret
the living honor the dead through stories

today I wish I had the strength for the stories:
it’s who I am, what I do, it’s my language.
it’s taken me such a long time to get here, to this day

I don’t want to, cannot be derailed
I tend to the grief in my own way,
sending strength and love outward.

(c) March 2017


right here, next to me

There are some days, even now nearly four years since my Dad died when I find myself thinking he is still alive. It is a fleeting moment, lasting thirty seconds or less. It lingers in the air like smoke from a snuffed out candle.

Sunday morning, not quite 2AM, an evening in with the muses talking about life and friendship, death and spirituality, family and friends. Monica and Suzie fall in and out of sleep, their voices a rolling canon of sighs punctuated by snores from our favorite pug, Jello. It’s a midnight symphony at ebb+flow headquarters.

A few minutes later, the third uberPOOL passenger in a white Elantra, I find myself zigzagging from one side of Brooklyn to the other, the sickening sweet air freshener pungent in the front seat. This road travelled is like a driving race course with every pothole and speedbump a replacment for the orange cones.

Opening the door, I am greeted with a famished hello from Finn.

In the bathroom, I change out of my street clothes into PJs, running the water to brush my teeth. The door is slightly ajar. In the white noise and ambient sounds, I almost hear my Dad shuffling down the hallway.

When we shared the same space we had this instituionalized ritual where he would ‘find me’ on his way to the washroom just as I was returning from a night out on the town. Nonchalantly, he would ask how my night was, and in this moment, I hear him asking about these friends of mine whom he has never met, and how they are doing.

I can hear the shadow of his breath, the early morning scratchiness in his voice, as if he were standing right here, next to me.