Tag Archives: change

my two year absence

A lot can happen in two years. A lot did happen in two years. There were a handful of hypnotic eye-opening experiences in India, as well as a a slightly disturbing observation in the duty free shop in Qatar. The stories start here. I came home with a new mindset and a plan to make some serious changes in my life. I adopted Rocky to fill the hole left in my heart from losing Tigger the year before. His arrival could not have been more serendipitous, one week later after an unbearably hot July my universe was shaken to its core when my father passed from this life to the next. Those stories are here.

Next came a year’s worth of weekends searching for a new home, and then this past March moving to a new neighborhood. Now almost 5 months in, my Saturdays are spent looking for furniture and sprucing up the deck. You can find out all about that here.

I’ve taken a very long hiatus from my writing and luckily that well is being replenished even as I type this “welcome back to me” post. In addition to ramblings about life and the occasional blast of poetry when the mood strikes that you’ll find here, I’ll soon be launching a new site, http://www.leavetolive.org — the content explores a new philosophidea (I just made that up combining philosophy + idea) of giving ourselves permission (aka leave) to live our lives.

more to come,

– a

the incentive is you

This weekend was a wash, I worked later than planned on Friday night. That over exhaustion plus the dread of the blizzard that wasn’t, left little incentive to wake up early on Saturday. Tigger was in agreement, as he let me be for hours until Dad’s shoveling scraped my eyes awake. All in all I felt as if I lost another day.

Work has been busy, with a capital B. For the most part I feel as if everyone (save a few but I’ll leave those observations to myself) is on the same wavelength. We’re in start-up mode, with leaner teams and mountains of work.  The day is like water, a real time suck. In the past, I don’t think I ever felt it before, but I had a slight epiphany and in that revelation realized to some degree I’ve lost days. Days. Not minutes or hours, full on days!

time for a change

Last week I started to break free and leave early for “fun” events–dinner with dad/friends, writing groups, getting home early to read–in those few hours alone I was able to detox just enough to re-embrace life. Realistically it shouldn’t be that hard to do (winter cold as an obstacle notwithstanding). I used to engage all the time and at one point I averaged 2 concerts a week! But like any new activity or habit one reintroduces into life, it takes dedication and personal commitment to be successful.

This morning I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine, a new friend just getting to know my idiosyncrasies and flaws.  He asked me how I was and in giving him the update I mentioned how I needed to balance my work life, how it would be ideal to have an incentive to leave the office on time. He laughed, nearly guffawing on the phone (and I’m pretty sure he cursed in that supposed cough). Then soon after taking a deep breath, he told me that my incentive had to be me, that the desire to live a better life should be enough to get me out of the four walls of the office, and back into the world.

I think in most cases it’s about being brave, brave enough to keep the promises you make to yourself. Challenging yourself to follow your gut to make the call that changes your life. It’s about flipping perception to try something new, and that first step is always the hardest.

Food for Thought

What do You Want to do in 2010?

100 Ways to Change Your Life

Embark on your Living Revolution

Sometimes, Change Happens at Home

Confidence is the Key


“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a giant insect.” – Kafka

ironic, that I choose a topic to ponder
and upon late evening find myself
sitting opposite its train of thought placard on the subway.
bemusing and at times startling how the universe can align and kick itself back to you, verifying on some level that there are no coincidences.

all over the place like mud

I am my own worst enemy.

There was no reason for me to linger at work past 5 last night and yet I didn’t close down my computer until way after 6. Sharon chatting over IM stressed my need for more balance. There’s something to be said when the same message is heard from colleagues and friends:  ease up on the work and live a little.

What strides must one take to find balance? In my minds eye that would take commitment to oneself above all others, interest in oneself above all external stimuli. Commitment.

Commitment now thats a word one can reflect on for hours years days.

I used to be committed to my writing. I would devote innumerable hours to stream of consciousness musings, without question, without doubt that I would be missing something ‘out there in the real world’. I would live inside the zone, with or without head phones ignorant to anything but the voice of my characters, the stories of the landscape, the dreams of the unwritten. And I have reams of handwritten pages filled with one-liners, odes, poetry, lyrics and even haiku to show for it. Character studies, plot maps, in-depth descriptions and occasionally dialogue written colorfully in felt tip on college-ruled paper, smudged pencil in journals, notes in the margins, thoughts on the back pages. Hours in early morning late night, stolen minutes from school projects, borrows minutes at work. All for the joy and sake of writing.

And then it changed, I changed. Just typing those words my eyes squint, my brows furrow, my mind searches for the exact moment, to no avail.

Change is not always black and white,  there are not always distinct monumental moments why you choose one path over another, the reasons you search for may not exist. It may or may not go unnoticed, all dependent on the value determined by the person making the decision. Change can be part of an agenda; in the every day of life  it’s instinctual, impulsive. On occasion it’s ground-breaking; most often it just is.

on work/on me

it happened again.
something about my new boss
intimidates me.

rather than speak up
in today’s meeting, minor
comments were offered.

and even then I
stumbled on phrases. (sigh) why?
how can it be true?

i had hoped that my meek self
would be gone by now.
instead, she lingers.

much to my chagrin.
i have grown enormously.
this should be behind

me. I guess then, there
will always be something: to
work on, develop.

humans by nature
are far from perfect. growth comes
in the everyday.

i remain patient
for the next revelation
and can only pray

and can only hope
to step outside my self and
embrace change, again.

But for summer

I’m thinking that if
all my intentions are pure
all is for the best.

Of course illusions,
though they appear to be real:
are most often false.

Leaving me to muse
about dreams and memories
of choice and regrets.

And yet not one sticks.
My heart rests easy tonight
clear, fulfilled and near

to capacity.
It seems odd to want nothing
more than to rest, sleep.

This first day like fall:
dark cool, summer all but lost
forgotten and free.